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Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn

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[03 Sep 2007|10:04am]
So life is really confusing in a bad way right now.
Corning is screwing me with classes & with aid. They say some of my classes i don't need so i don't really get credit for it and i don't get aid for it. They say they will only give me part-time hours worth of aid.
Its fucking bull, I need them for my major. just not for corning's bullshit.
my job kinda sucks, work way more than I'd like, but what can you do when all the people that worked there before are gone now, except for the manager and the casual labor person. all the people that worked there before were losers and slackers, except miranda she was great. but she moved away.
so now it's basically me and my manager to cover from open to close every damn day. i'm exhausted.
and it's not getting better.
my grandfather just died.
he was hero.
he was that "dad" figure that i could've missed out on if it wasn't for his great heart.
and now he's gone.
and i'm kinda having trouble dealing with that.
i know it sounds stupid, but it almost feels like losing a parent.

so now i've got shit at school, work, and home.
i need a break but where to go for a break when there's nowhere to get away from it?
2.x.Go Woah

[21 Aug 2007|11:41pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

everything is going wrong for me now.
and to make it worse...

i don't know how to live without friends.
and all of mine are far away.

i need to drop out, and go live at home for a while.
my mom said it's okay.

i might as well.

my family's the only people that have every cared about me

i need friends :(

2.x.Go Woah

[06 Jul 2007|11:26am]
I haven't been out in a long-ass time.
Like woah.
Kids come to my place to drink some beer, but it's never parties or anything.
And it's always the same kids.
I want to have some real fun!
I feel like such an old person!
I'm in a rut :(

I wanna get balls-to-the-wall Pretty some night and go out and party like a rockstar (even though that song drives me insane).

Anyone wanna?
2.x.Go Woah

[30 May 2007|08:47pm]
We're home, and it feels nice, even though we had fun.
Lots of drunkenness. With Andy's parents haha.
Came home happy to see my apartment, but the dude that checked our mail for us helped himself to our beers, not really fucking cool, still kinda pissed. So yeah, he owes us a shit ton more.
I mean honestly, how can you say you're someone's best friend, and use the shit outa their food and house when all you had to do is check the mailbox twice? AND never said anything about getting a payback, which we would have probably taken him out to dinner had he said something, but he said don't worry about it, and now my toilet looks gross (toilet seat up >_< i'm sorry, when andy does it I don't care because he lives here, but mike doesn't, and it's a GIRL'S name on the damn lease.) and about HALF the beer is gone. and he helped himself to smoke in our apartment, it smelled like GROSS stale ciggarettes when we got back.
Yeah, welcome home, the fucker.
SO yeah, not feeling much friendliness towards the gay men right now. He's not allowed to drink here till I'm repaid.
Or smoke, since Andy's been trying to quite the last week and a half.

But yeah, regardless it feels good to be home, though a bit bitter.
Yay home.
Go Woah

Once upon a time I was falling in love, and now I'm only falling apart. [21 May 2007|09:27am]
[ mood | rejected ]

leave for georgia tomorrow.
yay, or whatever.
my moods have switched very quickly this morning.
so excitement is not a strong suite today.
It kinda dropped right down in a matter of seconds.
I think I might delete my myspace.
I miss EC people. A lot. A whole lot.
I'm gonna go try and pick up The Skin Game today, it looks really good.
It might be a bad idea as I've been told things like that can only perpetuate an unhealthy mood, but I'm hoping that if it has resolution, so will I.
So I'll hopefully have that done before I get back from Georgia.
I want the Party Monster book too. We'll see how much they are first.
I'm pretty nervous of how this summer's gonna go, it's gonna be a trying few months.
Sun shine's out but I'm having a hard time feeling it.
And I'm poor.
I'm gonna be pretty depressed if I have to go home.

But yeah, lost control of that one. Leave for Georgia Tuesday late afternoon/evening time.
Classes are out, got A's in all of them, reached my goal of straight A final grades, hooah.

Every now and then I get a little bit nervous, that the best of all the years have gone by

2.x.Go Woah

[16 Apr 2007|09:25pm]
Not sad anymore!
I get to go to Georgia!

But seriously I'm okay with being broke now, it just gets overwhelming sometimes. Thus is the bipolar personality of nikki, but meh.
And yeah I get to go to Georgia!! :) finally! he said I could go forever ago and now I do! I'm excited. I get a week's vacation away from freakin' Macy's to spend with the Thompsons in GA.
Go Woah

[03 Apr 2007|04:49pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I wish my problems didn't require money to be solved.
I wish I didn't have too many problems to solve.
I wish I could afford to solve at least 1.
I'm tired of being so tired from working so hard at work just to be told, "You don't try hard enough."
I'm sick of school, having so much work and I feel like I'm never going to graduate or get a job.
I'm tired of schools fucking me over.
I'm tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere.
Going paycheck to paycheck just to barely get by isn't working anymore.
Looks like I can't get my hair cut.
Or get a dress.
or go to Georgia.
Well, I guess if I can't go to Georgia, I don't need a dress or anything new really at all.
I guess I can just work instead of going to Georgia.
Or doing anything. Ever.

Depressive? Maybe.

So seriously, I'm ready to sell some shit, anybody want anything, I'll take a dollar for it.

1.x.Go Woah

[31 Mar 2007|12:27pm]
I suck at Guitar Hero.
At least I do when I'm drunk.
My back's sore fromlast night too.
No more trying to be an acrobat on Andy's bed.
Go Woah

Uhm poor. [21 Mar 2007|01:41pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i'm poor.
macy's keeps cutting my hours because they don't make the sales they hoped for.
so instead of doing anything else to save money, they tell me not to come in because i still the newest person there.
which means i'll get laid off soon, they're only making enough to cover the paychecks. i'll be laid off far before it inevitbly closes.

what am i gonna do?
there's no place to work, everywhere keeps telling me they're not looking for anyone new.
i can't afford to be out of work.
plus i haven't worked long enough to get unemployment.
i was barely scooting by before.
Well this means any slim chance of ever going to georgia with andy is completely gone now. it was a slim ass chance before this.

So yeah, if anybody happened to ever like any of my shit, I'll be selling it soon. Feel free to make any bids now to reserve anything. I'm not even kidding.
I'll clean rooms/houses/apartments/cars for cash too.
Hell I'll even paint or stencil a shirt, bag, whatever for ya if you want one.

Go Woah

[13 Feb 2007|11:22pm]
If all of upstate is closed down why the hell isn't CCC? It's located up on a huge windy dangerous hill!?!
It's dangerous is good weather! Jesus!
It better be closed tomorrow because my car won't make it up that god forsaken hill anyway. At least my ASTR exam is cancelled tomorrow. sweet!
By the way, I'm on break next week, well technically starting Friday at 1 pm. Yay for me :)
Oh and I'm in my new apartment and I love it.
If you want the address or anything lemme know, I don't know why you would, but... haha
Maybe someday I'll get a digital camera (since mine bit the dust for no fucking reason and FujiFilm won't fix it even though it's a mechanical thing that I couldn't have done, and I can't afford to have it fixed or buy a new one. I hate FujiFilm now. I want a damn digi!!) anyhoo... maybe someday i'll get my hands on a digi and take pictures of my lovely new apartment (and my oh so cute roommate).

Anyone interested in a fun game with me? It involves stenciling, I've thought of starting up a game dealio with it, but first I need the time and money to get the resources since i'm incredibly poor (thanks to Macy's. Seriously don't shop there, it fucked me over and now I can't afford anything) but yeah. Lemme know if you're intrigued and would like to know details. haha. oh wait, i need a digi for that too, damnit!! >:O
Go Woah

[25 Jan 2007|04:35pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I'm moving yet again.
But this time it's to a place where people can come visit me and stuff.
I'll have room for company :)
And the world's best roommate.
I'm quite excited!

2.x.Go Woah

[22 Dec 2006|10:12pm]
i love feeling this disappointed this close to the holidays.

Oh by the way, everyone please pray I get a new apartment soon. Because leaving mine today almost had me killed. About a second and half slower on the breaks and I would be dead. Not even joking. But my brilliant landlord put the only exit from the parkinglot in a place where you have no hope of seeing oncoming traffic unless you drive a huge semi where you can tower over all other traffic.
I will die before my next month's rent is due. So wish me well.
2.x.Go Woah

[09 Dec 2006|09:42pm]
i haven't felt so hurt in a long time.
if it ends, i'm out of here.
i'll be moving away.
that's a promise.
6.x.Go Woah

[14 Nov 2006|02:10pm]
I found an apartment I REALLY want.
It's got a huge dinning room, living room, and bedroom. It has it's own private porch. A nice kitchen, all white appliances.
A freakin' tub so I can take baths (the other places I looked at only had stand up showers). I love it.
Problem? It's in elmira, so extra driving to CCC & work.
That's also a bonus though because the places in corning are in the ghetto.
Problem? It's $450 a month + heat & cable.
So I'm gonna have to work like 30 hours a week, plus the 15 (and I might add a one day, 1 credit wellness class, so 16 credit hours) credit hours I'm doing a week at CCC. But I want it! I really love it.
Oh and I have off street parking.
Sweet because I can't parallel for shit unless it's all free & clear that no one's coming.
I hope I can get it!
Does anyone happen to have or know of anyone getting rid of/selling the following::
Mattress/bed (haha i can deal with just the mattress just fine but I might need like the box spring)
Couch/Living room chairs/Love seat (any would do)
Table (ie, kitchen/dining room)
Dressers (any size)
Small desk

Yeah. I have absolutely nothing this time around, and no one has anything left to donate to me because whatever they had I took to Corning last time and it all ended up up in smoke or my mom was all nice and sold it in a yard sale (yeah she didn't even think to ask if it was mine, just sold whatever she found)
Might have to go out hitting yard sales.
Oh I definintely need more money now.
4.x.Go Woah

[03 Nov 2006|06:15pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Cellophane, Miss Cellophane should've been my name, Miss Cellophane, Cause you can look right through me, walk right by me and never know I'm there.

Go Woah

[02 Oct 2006|11:44pm]
I talked to my mom last night. she told me I got some shit from corning in the mail about this upcoming term there and she'll send it out to me. At the time I didn't think anything about it.
But now I'm nearly about to freak out.
It just hit me. December 16th I'm done with Elmira and have to immediately prepare to move to Corning.
That means an apartment and jobs again.
I don't have anyone that I can live with as of yet and since I don't have any friends still at Corning I don't see it coming anytime soon. So I have no idea what I'm gonna do.
My mom won't be helping me in any way this time. It's supposed to be me, all me for everything. I'm so fucked, I won't be able to afford even an efficiency apartment by myself with a part-time job, plus utilities and gas to said job and up the hill every day for class.
I seriously have no one to live with and the idea of putting out an ad for a roommate really really stresses me out and creeps me the fuck out. Hell living with Luke didn't even work, how will a stranger?
Oh man it's almost go time to be a big bad adult and I'm in no way ready for it.
And you know what?
Aside from JXN and my uncle joe, I'm pretty much over some of these gay men I know.
AND some straight ones.
1.x.Go Woah

[13 Aug 2006|10:51pm]
I miss my friends so fucking bad.
Going to Brittney's with Andy last night just depressed me so goddamn much.
Because I feel as if I have no friends anymore.
I don't have anybody that I'll know for decades and decades and be able to have sit next to me when I tell my kids my stories of youth.
I miss my rockhot ladies.
I miss my retarded boys even.
I miss my Chachie.
I really really miss my Chachie.
She's been gone a year ya know.
I have no idea how I'e kept it together this past year.
Oh wait, I barely have.
I'm the only person I know that has no past intertwined with my present.
Everyone (excluding family... well actually that does count some family) that has ever meant anything to me I'm so distant from. I never see or talk to anybody, plans never happen, the inside jokes have died, the pictures stopped.
I hate it.
I think I might have to go to the Spencer Picnic this year, just to see that those people I remember actually do exist and I'm not a crazy person that just invented these awesome people I say are friends.
It'll most likely be a sad time though. Depressing, distressing, and disappointing.
And I have 5-6 or 7 hours at work to just think about this.
And then after work.
And then I wake up.
I think for the next month, before people move away or go to college or whatever I should stay away from Elmira, Horseheads and Corning. Those people I've known a short time, (as cliche and retarded as it sounds) they really don't understand anything about me yet. Even Andy.
Ha, think he can understand my moods yet? Or the terrible things that go thru my head on any given solitary night?
Few people ever did.
Like, maybe 3 including me.
I'm feeling like I'm going back to where I don't wanna be, but I had a feeling that it was only a matter of time.
Bad habits are hard to shake.
I am pathetic.
1.x.Go Woah

[04 Aug 2006|03:43pm]
I've come to a realization.
I really really hardcore wanna be a SuicideGirl.
I'm serious, I really do.
That's like, my goal.
But that's not most likely possible. Haha.
So I might just have to start my own non-pro, alternative and unexpected modelling thing. besides, I think all my friends are pretty damn hot bitches. and everyone deserves a day to feel like a fucking hot sexy pin up girl.

I also realized that I want to get a camcorder so I can videotape all the weird/crazy/random wonderfulness that my friends and I get up to.
Emily- can we say DVD?
4.x.Go Woah

[30 Jul 2006|02:42pm]
[Warning, big-ish kinda update just to let you know]

I'm in the new house!!
And the computer set up is.. for lack of better words fucked up, so I'm rarely on aim and when I am its usually either with an away message up that says "In another room" or I'm not on for much, a few minutes at most.
But yay for the new house!! I'll have to have people over to see it, it's small but nice. I've never had nice furniture before, it's weird, I feel like I need to have better stuff and clothes in order to live here. Like I don't match the house.
It's weird to park in my own driveway. I haven't been over here in so long that I don't know what I'm facing when I look out the window at first.
But yeah. I'm happier in this house.
Got the job at Panera, start on the 6th. Which is convient because Warped is on the first and fourth. Don't know for sure if I'm going to the one on the fourth, it'd be nice, but I need to make a few calls first to see what kinda access I can get.
I've been told that Panera is supposedly a favorite place for New Englanders. So I'm just waiting for school to start and be surrounded by acecnts all the work day. I've also been given the impression that it's somewhat of a "yuppie" or "rather comfortably incomed" sort of establishment. Even better.
Oh and for people I know, since I can already tell their meals are on the expensive side- don't expect any help, free drinks or discounts. You're not getting any. I'd get fired if I even gave you free water. As a matter of fact, they said that I should tell people I know ot to come in if they think I'm working at the time. So, yeah.
If another place calls me back I'm quitting Panera haha.
I mean c'mon. The dress code really brought down my excitement for getting a job. I don't own any solid color, non-logod or labeled, nice collared oxford style or polo shirts. I don't own any solid color non labeled or logod nice, pressed dockers style pants. I don't know if they'll allow the plain, clean flat althetic shoes I have but I'm not fucking buying new shoes for this place, I can't afford that. I already gotta get pants, shirts, a clear eyebrow ring retainer, have to take off any "hanging" jewelery (necklace from andy I wear every day :() , already had to g oout and get a wrap bandage to cover the tattoo on my wrist. I can't dye my hair in the fall like I was planning too. (no 'unnatural' or 'unordinary' hair colors, I was just going to do a red color scheme but not one you'd find neccesarily in nature). And I have to take out an earing, no more than 2 earings per ear. Which also means I can't get my rook done like I was hoping.
Oh! And they say we're not allowed to have any alcohol in our cars. Like if you work a night shift and you're going to a friends and planned on bringing just a few beers, you can't have the beer in your car when you go to work- severe disciplanary actions if not termination.
So yeah, I'm quitting if any of the other places call me back.

I'm all set to transfer to Corning in January. I got the letter telling me that I'm accepted to come now, the sent back the application fee since I did a semester there before (awesome). I called and it seriously took less than 2 minutes to have my enrollment deferred till January. That's how awesome these people are, no questions asked just "You want to start in January instead? Ok, I'm take care of that right away for you!"
That's why I'm going back there- I know the people there actually care about helpin gyou and actually make a conscious and friendly effort to assist you. Much unlike my advisors at Elmira have been. Fucking btiches, the both of them.

I've decided that being on the pill makes me more emotional in just daily life. I've finally gotten the emotionalness of a girl haha. Like I'll watch a movie that I've seen a million times, but since being on the pill I'll watch and get al linvested in it and find myself going "Aww that's so sad!! [eyes watering]" or "Oh I know EXACTLY how that feels!! [Getting all teary]" And then right as I'm on the verge of getting the tear-eyed-sniffles I stop and go What the hell am I DOING?! and realize how ridiculous I am and laugh at myself. So actually, if you think about it, I'm a crazy person. Bipolar.

Oh, and Warped falls on the hottest week of the summer. High 90's-low 100's. And I'll spend two of those days. At Warped Tour. In the sun. With a bazillion people. Oh joy.
4.x.Go Woah

[23 Jul 2006|08:10pm]
So I went out job hunting one more time, last ditch effort.
I put in applications at Panera Cafe & Bakery (opening in August), JoAnn Fabrics, and American Eagle.
All the people I talked to were much nicer this time.
I had a little mini interview with the Panera woman when I applied.
They called me back already.
I go in Tuesday for about an hour, hour and a half to talk to managers and fill out paperwork. Which is gonna be irritating.
Oh and if I'm on to work open for the first month, month and a half, I have to be there at 5 am.
If I'm on to work until close, I'll be there until 11pm. So for the rest of the summer there's about a 50/50 chance I migh tbe working a few days 5am-11pm. I'm not happy about that.
So there's the good news.
Ready for the rest.
Friday night as I'm arguing with my mom in Low's because she's taking for fucking ever, I get a call from Molly saying come on out to Nicole's and drink with us. So I finally get mother to hurry her fucking ass up and get home, get some shit and go to leave.
1. Mom says she doesn't think my headlights are working as I'm sitting in my car about to leave, she tells me not to go. I nearly cried. Joe and I proved to her that my headlights worked fine, they just weren't on all the way when I first turned on the car.
2. My car makes funny noises all the way to Elmira and freaks me out.
3. Nicole's directions don't jive with the way I'm coming from so I end up going a few miles in the wrong direction. Very irritating.
4. Get there, sweet, Andy thinks I'm mad at him, which in turn makes me sad all night.
5. After a while, felt better, started having fun- yay.
6. Ended up thinking Andy was mad at me because he wasn't coming to bed blah blah.
7. Get up, exhausted, go to breakfast and discover my wallet's not in my bag.
8. Wallet's not in my car either. Or my other bag. Or Nicole's house. Or her street. Or Tops, where we took a 4 am walk that night.
9. My licence, wallet, some random gift cards, reciets I needed, and only cash I have is now gone. Feck.
10. Go to corning to hangout with andy before I go to the hell called Mom's house. Car's making terribly ugly noises again, adding to the fact that my wallet's gone makes me nervous and scared and nearly cry again.
11. Go to leave Andy's a few hours later, and my car won't start. I didn't turn my lights off all the way, the running lights were still on really low apparently and my batteries dead.
12. Went to get jumper cables to jump it from andy's car, and my hood lever latch thing is broken, my hood won't open I'm stuck in Corning. Which at first made so fucking irritated and hopeless feeling, but Andrew made it all better again. Thank god for him.
13. Finally got it jumped today, came home, but it was running funny and I had like no gas all the way home I'm surprised I made it.
14. Walk in the door and my mom gives me attitude because im in a bad mood, she knew all the car and wallet problems and I guess figured I should still be mary sunshine.
15. She tells me the awesome big tv I was supposed to take back to college is now broken because of her nazi house-moving regime.
16. She's fighting with me about packing up shit, and about shit my sister left her when she left like as if it's my fault she leaves shit here for us to deal with.
17. I'm gonna end up killing her by the end of the summer if she doesn't get some sanity and fucking human decency in her and I'm slowly becoming ok with that thought.

Fucking hell I can't wait to one- go back to EC it's not coming soon enough. and two, move out into an apartment after this term at EC.
1.x.Go Woah

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